I'll tell you what comes next. It's tons of fun. Well, not really. I had my first taste of Post Partum Depression though. What?!? That sounds awesome, doesn't it. I can't seem to understand why having kids and all the things that come with starting a family (birth control, getting off birth control, pregnancy, having a baby, getting on birth control, etc. ) is all so emotionally hard! Seriously, our poor husbands for having to live with us women who are all of a sudden a roller coaster of emotions after he proposes. Get engaged, get on birth control... and it starts.
Don't get me wrong. I am a woman who works really hard at controlling my emotions, and the majority of the time I can stop myself when I am starting to unravel. I do it for me, because I don't want to be one of those women who behaves irrationally and blames it on her 'emotions.'
So even though all the steps that I and most women take to have families is full of changes of emotions, I have tried and I think succeeded in playing it cool.
Well, round about this baby turning 2 weeks old I thought I was doing good. My mom had left and dinner from the church had come and gone. I was feeling great and thought I'd make dinner for the fam. My little sister had just moved back from college and I thought I'd invite her over, she was with her BFF, 'can she come?' Sure! Why not? I'm feeling great. Derek was getting home a little late, no biggie. Well, that day my baby should have gone down for a nap before everyone came over, but after you have a baby everyone who comes over feels like you're cheating them if you don't go get the baby and show her off. So I kept my baby up, mostly to show her off to my sis' friend. To make this story short, Derek and Sister and Sisters BFF had to leave right after dinner, leaving me with a table full of dishes. It was bed time for the older two, and I hadn't put them to bed myself since baby was born. And I kept my sweet baby up too long and she was not falling to sleep (aka screaming) up in her crib and it was about 20 minutes until I needed to feed her again and I wanted her to nap before I fed her. I have to stop and think about this, as I'm writing this right now, because it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me RIGHT NOW. Well, at the time it felt like a ton of bricks, and I started crying, Crying, and CRYING. Seriously. Think of it. Lots of tears.
Crying on the stairs, my two kids consoling me, while the baby was screaming in her crib, the kitchen was a disaster, and I was all alone with no help in sight for a while, and to top it off, my house was SO HOT inside.
I did not know then that this was the start of something terrible. I couldn't really stop crying for a few days after that. Once I got a hold of things after those few days I didn't cry for a few days, but then it started all over again. Every few days I would cry for a few days, and seriously not be able to stop.
I was prepared for the Baby Blues, which are totally normal and every woman comes down off her high during the first week after the baby is born. It is usually the 3rd or 4th day and lasts a day or two. Been there, done that, no big deal.
Well, this was just getting out of hand. I kept looking up Baby Blues online, then looking up Post Partum Depression, and realized that since I was past my first week I had the later. Not only was a totally crying all the time, but I was full of anxiety. Never experienced that before. Sometimes it was hard to breathe, especially when it came time to nurse. And you might say I was a tad bit irritable :).
I just kept thinking, "What have I done?" I was thinking that that's how my life was going to always be with 3 kids. Nursing was hard because I was just sitting there while my two older kids played around her nursery that I didn't want to get messed up, and all I could do is sit there and tell them to 'put it back', 'don't do that', etc. And I could just feel this weight coming down on me, and no end in sight to all this.
So many nice people were asking me how I was doing, and I was pretty honest to the people that I know who cared. Telling them that I was struggling, then I would start bawling again. I had a hard time because a lot of people would then ask me how my baby was doing. Then I'd start to feel all defensive because my baby was great. Eating good, napping good, she slept good for a newborn, pooping good, etc. I felt like people were blaming my mood on a cranky baby, which totally made me feel bad. I lover her so much, and she is so good! Then why did I feel so bad??
A few smart folks mentioned that sleep deprivation was a major part of what I was feeling. So I made sure to make napping a priority. One nap per day, and get some exercise every day, and take my vitamins every day. I was feeling better on days that I did that.
Round about 7 weeks old, and after 5 weeks of terrible-ness, I was sitting there, in my living room, Derek was home for lunch, and I said to him, "Derek, I think I feel better today." Then the next day I told him, "Derek, I think I am better." I was totally cautious of feeling this way, not wanting to get my hopes up. I seriously felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and that I had come out of a fog. A dark fog.
I started reacting to things differently, no anxiety about my kids making messes, or being too loud, or too rough. And I would literally say out loud to myself, "No anxiety." It was so awesome.
So what do I owe this lack of Post Partum Depression to? A few things. First, the things I already mentioned like naps, exercise (fresh air), vitamins. Then I owe it to more sleep. Prior to feeling better my baby had slept a few hours more than normal for 3 straight nights. And to top it off, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing.
I know that it's not uncommon for women to have PPD during the first year after baby is born, so I know those feeling might come back, but I am seriously hoping that they don't come back! What a nightmare.
It has been 2 weeks now free of depression, free of anxiety, and I don't think I've cried for 2 weeks either. Holla! See ya later Post Partum Depression! I don't ever want to see your ugly face again!
