First Comes Love, Then Come Marriage, Then Comes Baby, Then What?

I'll tell you what comes next.  It's tons of fun.  Well, not really.  I had my first taste of Post Partum Depression though.  What?!?  That sounds awesome, doesn't it.  I can't seem to understand why having kids and all the things that come with starting a family (birth control, getting off birth control, pregnancy, having a baby, getting on birth control, etc. ) is all so emotionally hard!  Seriously, our poor husbands for having to live with us women who are all of a sudden a roller coaster of emotions after he proposes.  Get engaged, get on birth control... and it starts.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am a woman who works really hard at controlling my emotions, and the majority of the time I can stop myself when I am starting to unravel.  I do it for me, because I don't want to be one of those women who behaves irrationally and blames it on her 'emotions.'  

So even though all the steps that I and most women take to have families is full of changes of emotions, I have tried and I think succeeded in playing it cool. 

Well, round about this baby turning 2 weeks old I thought I was doing good.  My mom had left and dinner from the church had come and gone.  I was feeling great and thought I'd make dinner for the fam.  My little sister had just moved back from college and I thought I'd invite her over, she was with her BFF, 'can she come?' Sure!  Why not?  I'm feeling great.  Derek was getting home a little late, no biggie.  Well, that day my baby should have gone down for a nap before everyone came over, but after you have a baby everyone who comes over feels like you're cheating them if you don't go get the baby and show her off.  So I kept my baby up, mostly to show her off to my sis' friend.  To make this story short, Derek and Sister and Sisters BFF had to leave right after dinner, leaving me with a table full of dishes.  It was bed time for the older two, and I hadn't put them to bed myself since baby was born.  And I kept my sweet baby up too long and she was not falling to sleep (aka screaming)  up in her crib and it was about 20 minutes until I needed to feed her again and I wanted her to nap before I fed her.  I have to stop and think about this, as I'm writing this right now, because it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me RIGHT NOW.  Well, at the time it felt like a ton of bricks, and I started crying, Crying, and CRYING.  Seriously.  Think of it.  Lots of tears. 

Crying on the stairs, my two kids consoling me, while the baby was screaming in her crib, the kitchen was a disaster, and I was all alone with no help in sight for a while, and to top it off, my house was SO HOT inside. 

I did not know then that this was the start of something terrible.  I couldn't really stop crying for a few days after that.  Once I got a hold of things after those few days I didn't cry for a few days, but then it started all over again.  Every few days I would cry for a few days, and seriously not be able to stop. 

I was prepared for the Baby Blues, which are totally normal and every woman comes down off her high during the first week after the baby is born.  It is usually the 3rd or 4th day and lasts a day or two.  Been there, done that, no big deal.

Well, this was just getting out of hand.  I kept looking up Baby Blues online, then looking up Post Partum Depression, and realized that since I was past my first week I had the later.  Not only was a totally crying all the time, but I was full of anxiety.  Never experienced that before.  Sometimes it was hard to breathe, especially when it came time to nurse.  And you might say I was a tad bit irritable :). 

I just kept thinking, "What have I done?"  I was thinking that that's how my life was going to always be with 3 kids.  Nursing was hard because I was just sitting there while my two older kids played around her nursery that I didn't want to get messed up, and all I could do is sit there and tell them to 'put it back', 'don't do that', etc.  And I could just feel this weight coming down on me, and no end in sight to all this. 

So many nice people were asking me how I was doing, and I was pretty honest to the people that I know who cared.  Telling them that I was struggling, then I would start bawling again.  I had a hard time because a lot of people would then ask me how my baby was doing.  Then I'd start to feel all defensive because my baby was great.  Eating good, napping good, she slept good for a newborn, pooping good, etc.  I felt like people were blaming my mood on a cranky baby, which totally made me feel bad.  I lover her so much, and she is so good!  Then why did I feel so bad??

A few smart folks mentioned that sleep deprivation was a major part of what I was feeling.  So I made sure to make napping a priority.  One nap per day, and get some exercise every day, and take my vitamins every day.  I was feeling better on days that I did that.

Round about 7 weeks old, and after 5 weeks of terrible-ness, I was sitting there, in my living room, Derek was home for lunch, and I said to him, "Derek, I think I feel better today."  Then the next day I told him, "Derek, I think I am better."  I was totally cautious of feeling this way, not wanting to get my hopes up. I seriously felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and that I had come out of a fog.  A dark fog. 

I started reacting to things differently, no anxiety about my kids making messes, or being too loud, or too rough.   And I would literally say out loud to myself, "No anxiety." It was so awesome. 

So what do I owe this lack of Post Partum Depression to?  A few things.  First, the things I already mentioned like naps, exercise (fresh air), vitamins.  Then I owe it to more sleep.  Prior to feeling better my baby had slept a few hours more than normal for 3 straight nights.  And to top it off, my husband gave me a priesthood blessing. 

I know that it's not uncommon for women to have PPD during the first year after baby is born, so I know those feeling might come back, but I am seriously hoping that they don't come back!  What a nightmare. 

It has been 2 weeks now free of depression, free of anxiety, and I don't think I've cried for 2 weeks either.  Holla!  See ya later Post Partum Depression!  I don't ever want to see your ugly face again!

 

The Reed Mold

One of the phrases I have heard most since having baby #3 is:

"Wow, she looks just like..." followed half of the time by one sisters name and the other half of the time by her other sisters name.  And just when I think I know who's name they're going to say she looks like, I am totally wrong.  So I have posted three pics here.  One of each of my daughters in their first month of life.  Yes, they all had dark hair.  Girl 2 had the least and the most curly, and Girl 1 had the most hair, and Girl 3 is as sweet mix of her sister. Here are all 3 girls in no particular order.  What do you think? 

 

Wake up to the Blogging World

So I have an 11 day old baby.  Can't believe it.  It has gone by so fast.  Can't believe it.  My mom has left us and Derek is off planting 'spuds'.  In my mind I don't use quotes but I don't know if everyone knows that here in Idaho we call potatoes spuds. 

I haven't had much desire to blog lately, as in the last year, but having a baby makes me want to share.  So here you are, if you're interested. 

That little 3 year old of mine was so kind to take a 9 month picture of me.  What a good helper, right?  I've heard that kids like to see what they looked like when their mom was 9 months pregnant.  So we made this a sweet tradition and at the time I don't really care for it, but in the long run I like it.

 These pictures are totally out of order, but after 3 tries of uploading them, this is what we have to work with. Leona was born ON HER DUE DATE. I know.  How nice of her, right?  I was totally prepared to go way past my due date like her sisters.  I've told her thank you, don't worry.
Here she is with Derek right after she was born. 

 Gwens first time holding her.

 These guys ended up all snuggling on the vertical couch bed at the hospital.  Not sure why this loaded sideways.  It was kind of weird for me to see so many people on the couch that are all in my family.  Sometimes I think it is so weird that Derek and I have 3 kids.  We're always asking each other, 'what are we doing with 3 kids?'

 I thought that tradition requires a nice family picture.  Gwen had other ideas.

 This pic was taken today.  She's 11 days old and becoming much more alert and looking and making a face that I'm pretty sure my imagination believes is a smile.

Evelyn holding her at the hospital.  Evelyn has some serious love for this baby.

 This was right after she was born.  Love her so much. 

Do you want to hear all about it?  Well I'm going to write about it so here you go.  I woke up on my due date and took the girls to swim lessons.  On the way there I had a contraction that was unlike all million of my braxton hicks contractions and I thought, 'hmmm, that's a good sign.'  I did not think I would actually have her for quite a few more days because I had always gone past my due date. A few hours later I had another, and a few hours later I had another.  I called Derek and told him that something was actually happening to make me belive that I would actually go into labor some day.  I went out to lunch with Kristine and ate something delicious.  We then made plans to go to lunch next week, because I thought I would still be preg and need something delicious to cheer me up. 

Me and the girls got home and Derek was home for a bit, so we went in the back yard to fly Gwens new kite that she won from the dentist office.  It was really fun watching them.  Then I got up to check on my strawberries and had another contraction.  So I hollered to Derek to tell him that I had another one.  So at this point I'm trying to tell myself, 'you're prob not in labor.  This is just a few contractions and they'll prob go away.'  So when I went inside I decided to take a bath because in our classes(Derek and I took some Bradley Birthing Classes  ) we learned that taking a bath will stop false labor, and I didn't want to get my hopes up.  So in the bath (ooh-la-la) I had a few contractions that felt like regular B.H. contractions and when I sat up I had a big contraction.  And I thought, 'well, they didn't stop.  This is weird."  You will notice that I keep talking myself out of being in labor.  That is true.  I am one who doesn't like to get my hopes up so I like to try and keep it real (yo) and be realistic. 

So I start making dinner and they keep coming about every 20 minutes and after every one I think, 'I'm going to call derek after the next one,'and I don't because I just don't really believe it's all hapening.  Well I finally decide to call him and tell him that I think I may be in labor.  He asked me all about it and says that I might be.  Why don't I start timing them and we'll see in an hour.  So at 5 pm I start timing them and they are 10 minutes apart.  After a while I remember distinctly that I had a contraction that I couldn't stand up for, I bent over the counter a bit, and after that one I knew it was on.  So I called my mom and she was on her way to hopefully be here before we left for the hospital. I also called Jamie and after dinner she and I went on a walk around the neighborhood and after 2 miles I decided that I'd better go home and get some rest.  That was 7:30. 

After that I got cozy on the bed and was listenening to some relaxing music, then a realaxing CD from my HypnoBirthing Days.  After a while I hated that I was just laying there while I was missing my favorite TV show, Survivor.  So I relocated to the basement and that didn't last long.  After a few doosies, I decided that I'd better get in the bath. 

'In our Bradley Birthing Classes' (nasaly voice, push glasses up my nose), we learned that water is natures epidural.  I spent some time in there and after a while was surprised to hear Derek call his dad and ask him to come over because we needed to leave for the hospital.  After he got off the phone, I said, 'we need to go to the hospital?' and he assured me that I was in transition and my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart.  That was a total shocker, becuase I hadn't been timing them and he wasn't telling me how close they were.  I was also showing all the signs of a woman in transition (that we had learned about).

It took FOREVER to get out of the tub, dressed, down the stairs, and in the car, all the while having to stop every 2 minutes to have a contraction. I almost puked before I got to the car, so I was sitting in the back seat, holding a bowl, trying to relax through my contractions and trying to prepare myself for the nurse at the hospital to tell me I was only dilated to a 6 or something. 

Alright, so we get to the hospital and I had previously decided that I did NOT want Derek to drop me off at the door.  Did that before and I was so bugged at the security guard who wheeled me up and was trying to make small talk.  When I am in labor I do not like to talk to anyone.  So if anyone asks me anything Derek knows how to answer for me.

So we get up to the L&D and get into a room.  After about 10 minutes the nurse finally checks me and while she's checking me I'm saying out loud, 'I might just be a 2, I might just be a 2.'  Then the nurse says, 'oh you're not a 2, you're a 9!'  So I was pretty excited to hear that, but I just tried to stay calm and realize that it still might be an hour until I'm a 10, then still longer to push.  So I'm pacing myself.  Luckily my doc (Midwife Susan)  happened to be close to the hospital when they called her so she came right up.  She saw me have a contraction and realized that I was ready to push.  So she checked me again and told me there was no cervix and to push whenever I felt like it.  I asked her how long until my baby was here and she said '5 minutes'.  Derek and I talked later and were both thinking, 'yea right, it will take longer than that.' Only because my second labor took more time than we had planned.  So lo and behold I start to feel another contraction and not wanting to use all my strength and then be super tired if I ended up pushing forever, I did a couple small pushes and then remembered how I had learned how to push in my class and took a deep breath and bore down.  Next thing I know Susan is telling me, 'Stop pushing, stop pushing!' and then I feel the unmistakable feeling of a baby coming out of me! (TMI?)  Already?!  I was so not expecting her to come out so fast!  So Susan is trying to give her to Derek or I, but we are both sitting there with our jaws open, trying to wrap our minds around the fact that she is already out!  Well that took about a half second and I reached for her and got to hold and nurse her for an hour or two before they weighed her and all that stuff.  Then the nurses start telling us that we had only been at the hospital for 17 minutes, and lucky that Susan was so close, and lucky that I didn't have her in the car, etc.  It was all very exciting and I was this crazy happy lady after she was out.  I was just laughing and kept saying how happy I was, and basically acted like a crazy lady who was totally happy.  I always get like that after I have a baby because labor is so hard and difficult,  and then all of a sudden the pain is gone and you're holding this child that you have been wanting to meet for 9 months or longer and the baby is healthy and I'm not pregnant any more, and she looks like my husband who I love so much, and it's finally over, etc. etc.  Anyway, the rest is history.  If 11 days is history. 

I am feeling so much better already, however, sore everywhere at the same time.  Everywhere. :). Lots of love going on in this house, and some sweet hormone swings as well.  Can't forget about those!  I have felt so much love from so many people it has been overwhelming.  I have never felt so much love from so many people after I have had a baby.  After thinking about this, I have come to realize that I am the type of person who surrounds myself with kind people.  Period.  So doesn't it make sense that all the kind people I know are kind to me?  So many people have offered to watch my kids if I need it, and so many friends have dropped off snacks, and I'm getting meals from the RS this week.  I feel so blessed and grateful to have another daughter and a family that loves each other.

Derek and I also feel very strongly about the Bradly Birthing Method, and think it is such a great way to have a baby. Imagine having a test that you have studied for and have been preparing for and you feel totally confident going in that you have all the answers.  Thats what we did and we felt calm and prepared for L&D and knew we didn't want to get to the hospital until it was time to push and we knew exactly what to look for and what to do during each stage of labor.  And for the record, I do not think a woman should go through a natural childbirth without a lot of preparation.  But I know that with the right preparation there are so many benefits and it can be such a joy.  The Bradley Method gives you so many tools to work with that you know what to do no matter what happens during L&D.  And for the record, I think however you did your L&D is fine.  I just happen to feel really strongly about The Bradly Method.  Even though Derek and I don't agree 100% with everything that is in the book. And for the record, this is my blog so I can write my opinion here. You will not find me out preaching about this at T-ball practice, or a baby shower, or at Enrichment.  But I do want to let other women know that there is another option for childbirth that is not just going to the hospital and doing whatever the Doc says.  Disclaimer, disclaimer.

Well I am totally out of here.  I need some time to think of another girl name in case we have another daughter some day:).